#17 Me and Baby Brother
I have 1 brother, Eric. Eric's been in prison for 3 years and he'll be there for 13 more. That sucks! My brother is my truest friend. He is my secret keeper. He is one of the most important people in my life and I love him. Not being able to see him or talk to him or hang out with him and just be brotherly is the sorest spot in my life. There is nothing more that I want than for E to be free, but I know that won't happen until I'm 45 and he's 40. Being separated from my brother doesn't lessen the love that we have for each other. Our separation is a lesson in what love and brotherhood really are.
I'm an emotional and vocal person. My feelings are usually readable, and if they aren't I'm quick to share. Sometimes I talk just to hear my own voice. Eric is the opposite. He doesn't waste too many words and talks when he has something to say. You have to know him to know how he feels because there is no guarantee he'll tell you. Those differences have always made our relationship strong. Before he got locked up I'd rant and rave, bitch and spit about whatever was on my mind at the time. I'd fuss at Eric b/c he's my brother and regardless of my blabbing he always stayed calm and kept a smile waiting on the edges of his mouth. Regardless of my tantrum he always knew what I meant and how to take my shit. Best believe we'd argue and fight and all the things that brothers do, but we havealways been there for each other. We still are, regardless of his incarceration. Eric knows me, I know him and we take care of each other even now.
I'm thinking about this and writing it down because through the walls, the distance and his lack of freedom, my brother still supports me. We haven't talked on the phone in months but we write each other. Not as frequently as either one of us prefers but we both procrastinate about writing letters. I think we would and should write more, but picking up the pen to write a letter is the starkest reminder of where he is and that he won't be home for more than a decade. The only reason we don't talk on the phone is b/c we used to talk so regularly that my phonebill skyrocketed and I cut it off. The letter I got from E, a couple of days ago shows how tigtly wrapped both of us are.
I was sitting in my apartment feeling down about several things. My rent got hiked, I had no money, I was more than a little lonely and my head was spinning. I was thinking about how was I going to make my life work without capital and the answers I was feeding myself weren't cutting it anymore. I felt like giving up and just going to find a different job that would lift me out of my personal quagmire. I was having a personal pity party and then something told me to go get my mail. I went and I was rewarded with a letter form E.
E was talking about the things that were going on in the prision. He left his job in diatary because other inmates wanted to use him to hustle. (My brother tells me that working in a prison dietary center-read kitchen- can be an inside track to money) He doesn't want to be involved in any hustle in the pen because hustling is what got him there in the first place. Even though he's dodging bullets and temtation in prison the tone of the letter wasn't about anything negative. Instead he used his time and ink looking forward to the future. He asked about the magazine and how he could contribute writing and he asked about the details of my life I'd told him about in previous letters. Throughout the letter there were admonishments toward me to keep my head up, stay focused and carry out my plans. There was no whining, no feeling sorry for himself, no blame and none of the begging and finger pointing one might expect from the imprisoned. With every sentence my brother affirmed that he may be in prison, but prison will never be in him. He was upbeat in spite of circumstances. That is manhood, personhood and humanity at it's best. That's my brother!
Eric's letters are always uplifting because he is an uplifting person. Being in prison can't be a cakewalk but Eric is walking the path because that's where his journey took him. Was it an avoidable situation--of course, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that he has met that situation with grace, strength and hope. While I have used much of the time and space for this blog to complain, whine or voice my dissatisfaction with my situation, my brother has a real situation to deal with. All of my fears have come to the surface and I'm navigating through them but compared with what Eric has to face daily my problems are miniscule. The bumps in my road are just that--bumps. Eric faces a too real wall standing in the way of his freedom and that hasn't stopped him from living, wishing and forward thinking. What lessons he teaches without even trying.
I hope to honor my brother by not complaining so much and living more. Thanks E.
I'm an emotional and vocal person. My feelings are usually readable, and if they aren't I'm quick to share. Sometimes I talk just to hear my own voice. Eric is the opposite. He doesn't waste too many words and talks when he has something to say. You have to know him to know how he feels because there is no guarantee he'll tell you. Those differences have always made our relationship strong. Before he got locked up I'd rant and rave, bitch and spit about whatever was on my mind at the time. I'd fuss at Eric b/c he's my brother and regardless of my blabbing he always stayed calm and kept a smile waiting on the edges of his mouth. Regardless of my tantrum he always knew what I meant and how to take my shit. Best believe we'd argue and fight and all the things that brothers do, but we havealways been there for each other. We still are, regardless of his incarceration. Eric knows me, I know him and we take care of each other even now.
I'm thinking about this and writing it down because through the walls, the distance and his lack of freedom, my brother still supports me. We haven't talked on the phone in months but we write each other. Not as frequently as either one of us prefers but we both procrastinate about writing letters. I think we would and should write more, but picking up the pen to write a letter is the starkest reminder of where he is and that he won't be home for more than a decade. The only reason we don't talk on the phone is b/c we used to talk so regularly that my phonebill skyrocketed and I cut it off. The letter I got from E, a couple of days ago shows how tigtly wrapped both of us are.
I was sitting in my apartment feeling down about several things. My rent got hiked, I had no money, I was more than a little lonely and my head was spinning. I was thinking about how was I going to make my life work without capital and the answers I was feeding myself weren't cutting it anymore. I felt like giving up and just going to find a different job that would lift me out of my personal quagmire. I was having a personal pity party and then something told me to go get my mail. I went and I was rewarded with a letter form E.
E was talking about the things that were going on in the prision. He left his job in diatary because other inmates wanted to use him to hustle. (My brother tells me that working in a prison dietary center-read kitchen- can be an inside track to money) He doesn't want to be involved in any hustle in the pen because hustling is what got him there in the first place. Even though he's dodging bullets and temtation in prison the tone of the letter wasn't about anything negative. Instead he used his time and ink looking forward to the future. He asked about the magazine and how he could contribute writing and he asked about the details of my life I'd told him about in previous letters. Throughout the letter there were admonishments toward me to keep my head up, stay focused and carry out my plans. There was no whining, no feeling sorry for himself, no blame and none of the begging and finger pointing one might expect from the imprisoned. With every sentence my brother affirmed that he may be in prison, but prison will never be in him. He was upbeat in spite of circumstances. That is manhood, personhood and humanity at it's best. That's my brother!
Eric's letters are always uplifting because he is an uplifting person. Being in prison can't be a cakewalk but Eric is walking the path because that's where his journey took him. Was it an avoidable situation--of course, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that he has met that situation with grace, strength and hope. While I have used much of the time and space for this blog to complain, whine or voice my dissatisfaction with my situation, my brother has a real situation to deal with. All of my fears have come to the surface and I'm navigating through them but compared with what Eric has to face daily my problems are miniscule. The bumps in my road are just that--bumps. Eric faces a too real wall standing in the way of his freedom and that hasn't stopped him from living, wishing and forward thinking. What lessons he teaches without even trying.
I hope to honor my brother by not complaining so much and living more. Thanks E.
posted by J.Bailey | 12:20 PM
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