#13 Can I Live?

Life is more than just work., or at least it should be. Life should be the challenge and triumph of mountain climbing. The world tells us to not worry about the mountain just work hard and it'll all work out. That's a lie, but I bought it, just like most people bought it. I started working during my junior year in high school after I turned 16. I started at college dining hall but by the time I was a senior I had another job. I started working at a movie theater. I never quit the 1st job, I just kept both of them. Since then I've worked hard but it never seemed to work out. I kept at least 2 jobs throughout college. I even had 2 jobs while I was pledging my fraternity (I kept a 3.1 gpa as well). I had 4 jobs once and I've never been scared of hard work. What I've discovered after all that work was that I wasn't getting anything I wanted except for a little money. And even though I thought that was the point, I found out that all those jobs were killing my spirit.
After I left the army and got on my feet I went from job to job making ends meet and surviving day to day. I didn't think about it at the time but all I was doing was surviving.



I got so caught up in survival mode that I forgot that survival is a human instinct that shouldn't be something we think about. Humans should be concerned with thriving. I couldn't see the forest for the trees. All I could see right after leaving the military was making my car note and finding a place to stay (Both of which presented problems but that's another story). What I didn't realize at the time was that although I never stopped dreaming, I stopped streatching and trying to achieve. I was so used to working that going to work became a purpose in and of itself. I didn't save shit either. As money came in--it went out and even though I was young I can't blame my irresponsibility on immaturity. I think that I was trying to fade into nothing and die. Not death in the physical sense, but I know that I wanted to disappear. The easiest way to do that is by just going to work and surviving.

I'm no longer in the early spring of my life. I am in mid-summer and it's hot outside. Surviving is no longer sufficient. It's time to thrive, it's time to climb the mountain. The difference is a change in focus, attitude and action. This is true for anyone who wants to change their lives.

I spent years just focused on getting by. The result was that I got by. I didn't get ahead. I didn't get over the hump. I didn't think about thriving or growing my life, so I didn't do either one. That's the lesson I've been learning. Life becomes what we focus on. I dreamed of all kinds of shit while I was in survival mode. Cars, homes, money and fame were the subjects of some of my favorite dreams. When I was done dreaming though, I went back to work and got about the business of survival. Now that I understand that survival will take care of itself(so to speak) I am focusing on broadening my life and thriving. As I change my focus I see things in my life changing and I am being pushed (sometimes dragged) out of my comfort zone. The state of controlled discomfort for the purpose of improving is the essence of a fulfilling life. Can I Live? I intend to do so for the rest of my time here, on earth. I'll be more than just a human being. I'll be a human be-ing