#12 Forward by Faith

I'm not a religious guy at all. I haven't attended a church service since 2001. By Christian standards I'm probably headed to hell with a pair of gasoline draws on. I drink, I smoke, I've fornication-and enjoyed it, I've been contentious and stubborn, I'm can be selfish and I really do like having money(that is when I have it), in short by any standard of the word I am a sinner. There, I've said it, but I'm in the same boat, God knows, as the rest of the world. We're all wrong. I mean no harm and I trust the judgment of the universe to dole out whatever I deserve when my life here is over but I don't live my life according to the strictures of any religion. I claim no organization of faith nor do I feel compelled to believe the claims of any preacher, priest, pastor or any other so-called representative of God on Earth. I'm not compelled to disbelieve or dismiss what church folks say either. I respect peoples' views and leave it at that.

What I'm saying is that I'm not working to get into heaven. I'm not working to get into hell either. I'm just working to do what my soul says is correct. I believe that there is existence after this life. I believe that their is an organizing intelligence or supreme being. And I believe that everyone on this planet has a purpose. I think if I follow that inner inclination I can't go wrong--if I'm really listening. It's complex and I'm sure I'll revisit the subject but the short version is that I want to do what is right (at least most of the time) not because of judgment and consequence but because it's right and I know it's right. What good would I really be doing if I was tallying my positives and negatives and laying odds on a trip through the pearly gates? That's bogus.
Faith exists independently of religion and I follow faith.

All of that may sound Zen or Buddhist or zenbuddhist, and I have been learning about Bubbhism lately, but that has nothing to do with my views on religion. My view has been shaped by my life. Organized religion has never been my favorite thing. I went to St. James, a catholic elementary school, and as a result had enough religious tradition rammed down my throat to gag on it. We went to mass every day. During Lent we'd do the stations of the cross every day. It was very regimented but I enjoyed my time in catholic school. Being told indirectly that not being baptized insured I'd be b-b-q'ed in hell scared me but time on the playground put that fear far in the back of my mind.

My grandmother was a southern baptist and when she took me to church it was understood that if I decided to "act a fool" she'd be god's avenging angel and my ass would pay the cost. But it was hard not to laugh when I watched my Grandfather asleep in the choir behind the preacher, waking up only to stand and sing. GranDaddy slept with his mouth open and I never understood how he could lean so far over in his chair and not fall over.

My mother started going to church after divorcing my father. She's not really a church community person either even though she is very spiritual so our attendance was always scattered. I didn't mind because going to a black Baptist church is an all day affair and god knows my tween and later teen brain didn't want to be stuck in church for 3-4 hours every Sunday. What mother did do was pray openly and often. She wasn't a holy roller that forced me and my brother to spend hours on our knees in mock supplication to the image of a savior. She wasn't loud or boisterous with prayer but I always knew when she was talking to god. Through that quiet faith she never complained to us or bitched about what wasn't possible, like so many of today's parent. My mother just let us know everything would be ok. Although she didn't say it often, she demonstrated the idea that God didn't bring us this far to drop us off--so let's just push forward. Through her faith I always knew things would work out.

Mother's sister, my aunt Zarol, went to Catholic church faithfully. She went to the early services because Catholics aren't usually as long winded as baptists and Z was a busy person. She did a lot of work for her church but more importantly she did a lot of community work, demonstrating her beliefs instead of just spouting religion.

My beliefs are grounded in that quiet knowing and the demonstrations that I saw. My family never locked God into the church. Divine energy permeated life and that is what guides me now.
As I move forward now I hold on to those examples. Life can be a bitch. It gets hard and dark and lonely. When it does I don't normally run to be in a church. I keep church in me, get quiet and listen for and to the voice of the creator to teach and guide me into what and where I'm supposed to do and be. I'm not saying I always do what I'm instructed to do either. When I don't do what my soul says life shows me that should--meaning shit hits the fan. On the flipside, when I do what I know and sense is right everything works out.



PERSONAL SALVATION
Copyright 2003
J.Bailey

I write these verses like psalms
to clean the filth from my palms
cuz I know I'm still kinda dirty
the reverend and church never served me
so I use these words to redeem and resurrect my soul
and until I get old I'll never trust a preacher
to be my teacher
on matters of my spirit

The righteous talk to much fear shit that I'm just
not with it at all
and if I fall
it's all because I'm feeling hunted
somewhat stunted
but with my head held to the sky

I pray to the Most High ask why
is it that
these churches don't reach out
most preachers don't speak out
and my people get beat out of the
little change that rattles at the bottom of
their pockets
I can't stop it
there are so many tricks that put people in pits
of dispair
no one seems to care
and I wonder if my vice for smoke
reflects the lost hopes of children
robbed by false prophets

They line their pockets every Sunday
claiming it's for the building fund
then I get shunned because I can't stand church
It hurts to see people herded like cattle
but since I'm in a battle to save myself
I put those thoughts on the shelf
leave them alone and let them go

But given these days and times
God stays on my mind
and I realize that I'm
the anti-preacher
a poetic teacher and
a creature they can't figure out
words crash out of my mouth
like thunder
through the rain I maintain
pouring pain out of my heart

Cursed from the start but blessed with this art
I continue to climb the rope towards heaven
wondering if unleavened bread and dimestore wine
win souls precious time in the presence of the Lord
Will God ignore my pleas for salvation
because I reject frustration and religious domination in a church

The hurts from my past make me think
I can't last and I choke on the words
when I try to pray
so when judgement day comes
will I dwell in the slums of hell
a soul that fell because it questioned to much
feeling the clutches of the enemy reach for my neck

Runnin' toward something I ain't there yet
life don't seem fair yet
no one seems to care
YET
I keep on struggling
and formulation plans
feeling His hands touch my life
my termoil and strife are eased
from above
and though I question
I still feel God’s love